


Patron Troll/Beta Kids Swap

by Spearo_Hero



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Character Swap, Gen, Homestuck Kidswap, Species Swap, Trolls (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-06 19:17:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18857401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spearo_Hero/pseuds/Spearo_Hero
Summary: These are some rewrites of some of my favorite character interactions, inspired by some art by @chewwypepsicola on Twitter (https://twitter.com/chewwypepsicola). I hope you enjoy!(For sake of clarity: the colors are switched around like in the original art, but everybody keeps their original quirks. Hopefully that makes it easier to tell who's who.)I also want to give a gigantic thank you to my friend Cassie (https://twitter.com/Blooodwynn) for tracking down 90% of these pages, helping me brainstorm, checking my work, and on and on and on I could NOT have done this without her





	1. >Vriska: Scold GA.

**Author's Note:**

> Referenced page: https://www.homestuck.com/story/174

AG: You can see me, r8?

AG: Tell me what the f8ck is wrong with this picture.

GA: Sorry, I Keep Losing The Wireless Signal

GA: The Weather Is Making Things Difficult

GA: I Would Look For A Stronger Signal In Another Part Of The House, But Mother Is Tending To The Other Children

GA: She Has Enough To Juggle Without My Inquiries As To Better Internet Connection

AG: Oh, 8OO FUCKING HOO, Maryam!

AG: Your mother takes care of a 8unch of orphans.

AG: I’m down here crawling through a nest of GLORIFIED HALLOWEEN DECOR8IONS while I w8 for you to get it together!!!!!!!!

GA: Your Father’s Taste In Decor Aside,

GA: I Am Already Doing My Best To Accommodate Your Obsession With Beginning This Game

GA: Just Be Thankful That My Connection Has Not Been Interrupted While Something Heavy Was In Transit Above Your Spiderweb-Ridden Head


	2. >Kanaya: Answer Terezi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Referenced page: https://www.homestuck.com/story/522

GC: 3XPL4IN TO M3 4G4IN WHY 1’M CURR3NTLY T4K1NG T1M3 OUT OF MY BUSY SCH3DUL3 OF D1SPOS1NG BOD13S TO H3LP YOU W1TH TH1S G4M3

GA: It’s A Vriska Thing

GC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 GU3SS3D

GC: 3XPL41N TO M3 4G41N WHY 1’M SUPPOS3D TO H3LP VR1SKA

GA: Because I Sincerely Doubt That You Have Such An Excess Of Corpses That You Cannot Put Aside The Time To Do So

GC: B31NG 4N 1NV3ST1G4TOR 1S H4RD WORK, K4N4Y4

GC: SO MANY FOR3NS1C P4THOLOG1STS TO M4K3 QU13TLY D1S4PP34R WH3N TH3Y G3T TOO CLOS3 TO TH3 TRUTH

GC: OR TOO F4R

GC: C4N’T S33M *SUSP1C1OUSLY* 1NCOMP3T3NT, OR SOM3ON3 W1LL G3T W1S3 4NYW4Y

GA: Ah, So You Have Been Destroying More Of Your Beloved Stuffed Toys

GC: TH3 SC4L3M4T3S 4R3N’T TOYS!!!

GC: TH3Y 4R3 MY COLL34GU3S 4ND YOU W1LL TR34T TH3M W1TH R3SP3CT

GA: Certainly

GA: Do Send The Good Prosecutors And Policemen My Apologies

GC: Y34H, YOU’D *B3TT3R* ST4Y ON TH31R GOOD SIDE

GC: COPS TH1S CORRUPT 4R3 *V3RY* POW3RFUL, K4N4Y4 B]


	3. >[S] Vriska: Check Pesterchum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Referenced page: https://homestuck.com/story/110

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 16:34 --

CG: VRISKA.

CG: IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY, RIGHT? HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

CG: YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE ME ON IDLE AGAIN.

CG: FINE, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO ACKNOWLEDGE A BIRTHDAY GREETING? FUCK YOU TOO.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 16:56 --

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 16:40 --

GC: 1'M ONLY P3ST3R1NG YOU B3C4US3 CG 4SK3D M3 TO DO H1M 4 F4VOR

GC: B3TW33N H1M 4ND K4N4Y4, YOU'R3 HOGG1NG 4LL OUR FR13NDS

GC: 4NYW4Y WH3R3 4R3 YOU

AG: Sorry, I was too 8usy planning to steal the Declar8ion of Independence.

AG: Gotta do SOMETHING to top the theft of your 8uddies >::::)

GC: GOD PL34S3 DON'T ST4RT W1TH N1COL4S C4G3 4G41N

AG: Why not? His movies are GOOD.

GC: TH1S 1S WHY 1 DON'T T4LK TO YOU 4NYMOR3

GC: ON3 OF E1GHT THOUS4ND R34SONS 4NYW4Y

AG: How many thousands????????

GC: UGH

AG: ::::)

AG: You still think about meeeeeeee.

GC: Y34H, L1K3 SOM3ON3 R3M3MB3RS TH31R PTSD

GC: YOU ONLY 3V3N L1K3 C4G3'S MOV1ES B3C4US3 YOU H4V3 4 CRUSH ON H1M

AG: He can have good movies AND be a dream8boat! Shut up!!!!!!!!

GC: JUST G3T B4CK TO K4RK4T WH3N YOU G3T DON3 H4R4SS1NG K4N4Y4 4BOUT TH4T STUP1D G4M3

GC: 4ND DON'T 3V3N *TH1NK* 4BOUT DR4GG1NG M3 1NTO 1T, 31TH3R

AG: So this is the treatment I get on my birthday? After I got you those sick red sh8s for yours?

AG: I 8et you still wear them.

GC: CH3CK YOUR M41LBOX

GC: W3'R3 3V3N

GC: DON'T S4Y 1 N3V3R D1D 4NYTH1NG FOR YOU


	4. >Karkat: Answer patron troll.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Referenced pages: https://www.homestuck.com/story/3250 through https://www.homestuck.com/story/3252

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GG: karkaaaaat

GG: \:B

GG: karkat?

CG: *JADE!!!*

GG: oh, there you are

GG: i was getting worried

CG: *YOU* WERE GETTING WORRIED?

CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF.

CG: YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHOSE ONLY HOPE OF DEFEATING A MURDEROUS GLOWING DERSITE CRAB JUST PULLED OUT HIS OWN TEAR DUCTS AND WAVED THEM AROUND IN THE MOST PITIFUL DISPLAY OF INADEQUACY THAT SKAIA'S EVER SEEN

GG: ):B

GG: mhm...

CG: AM I ALWAYS SUCH A WHINY PIECE OF SHIT? DO I SOUND LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME?

CG: HOW DO ANY OF MY FRIENDS *STAND* THIS

CG: I'VE ONLY TALKED TO MYSELF FOR THIRTY SECONDS AND I WISH I'D GONE AND HAD A CHAT WITH JACK INSTEAD

GG: mhm........

CG: DON'T YOU FUCKING "MHM" ME.

CG: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IMPLYING AND THIS ISN'T A DAMN THING LIKE ONE OF YOUR PAST SELVES

CG: OR YOUR FUTURE SELVES

CG: OR ANY OTHER SHITTY SELVES YOU MAY HAVE UP YOUR TROLL "FABRIC GRASPER-WRAPPER", OR WHATEVER OTHER ASININE BULLSHIT YOU CALL YOUR BEFUCKED ARTICLES OF CLOTHING

CG: I'VE GOT ONE SHITTY SELF I'M ALREADY DEALING WITH, AND I'M CURRENTLY LIVING IN HIM.

GG: i wasn't trying to imply anything, karkat

GG: i'm just listening to you

GG: i understand how this kind of sgrub nonsense feels, and it might help to talk to someone about it

CG: I *JUST FUCKING SAID* IT IS NOT THE SAME THING, SO I'M REALLY DYING TO KNOW HOW YOU COULD *POSSIBLY* UNDERSTAND THIS

GG: well

GG: no, okay, that's fine

GG: so i DON'T understand what you're going through right now

GG: but do people really need to have gone through the exact same thing to be able to empathize with each other?

CG: ...

GG: ...

CG: ...I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT

GG: (:B

GG: why don't you tell me everything?

CG: WELL

CG: I DON'T GET HOW HE AND I ARE SO DIFFERENT

CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ANY MORE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS BULLSHIT THAN HE IS.

CG: WE'RE NOT ONLY BOTH YOUNG, BUT BOTH THE SAME GODDAMN PERSON!

CG: WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT MY ABILITY TO HANDLE WHAT SBURB IS THROWING AT US?

GG: you're not alone though, right? you have your team to turn to if you feel like you might be losing it like karkrab over there

CG: THAT'S JUST IT, IS THAT I HAVE A TEAM TO DEAL WITH.

CG: VRISKA THINKS SHE'S THE LEADER OF THE TEAM

CG: AND CREDIT TO HER, SHE'S BEEN PUSHING EVERYBODY HARDER THAN THEY MIGHT PUSH THEMSELVES

CG: BUT NOBODY CAN FUCKING STAND HER, MYSELF INCLUDED

CG: TEREZI'S WEIRD BULLSHIT NOTWITHSTANDING.

CG: SO I'VE BEEN TRYING TO KEEP KANAYA AND TEREZI FROM LOSING THEIR MINDS HAVING TO DEAL WITH HER AND GENERALLY KEEP THE GROUP FROM CRACKING UNDER THE WEIGHT OF HER *TREMENDOUS* EGO

CG: BUT IF THIS IS HOW I SOUND ALL THE TIME?

CG: LIKE, IF SOMETHING BATSHIT HAPPENS AND I GO TO TRY AND KEEP EVERYONE CALM, AND *THIS* IS HOW I'M ACTUALLY ACTING?

CG: I'M PROBABLY DOING THEM MUCH MORE HARM THAN GOOD

GG: well, at least you can see that that might be the case

CG: SORRY, WASN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE "HELPFUL"

GG: no, that's a GOOD thing!

GG: i've been watching, so i can at least say that you haven't been doing that to your teammates

GG: but now you know what to look out for so you don't START!

CG: I *GUESS*

CG: JUST PROMISE ME THAT IF I START ACTING LIKE THAT SOGGY CRAB RANGOON THAT YOU'LL SEND VRISKA TO KILL ME

GG: i'll pass it on to john

CG: THANK YOU.

CG: AND

CG: THANK YOU FOR THIS.

CG: AT LEAST THERE'S *ONE* PERSON WHO I KNOW FOR SURE ISN'T WAITING FOR MY VOCAL CORDS TO GIVE OUT

GG: (:B


	5. Vriska: Answer GG.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Referenced page: https://www.homestuck.com/story/1603

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] --

GG: hey vriska

GG: what're you doing there o:B

AG: !!!!!!!!

AG: Can't you trolls let us have one fucking tender moment to ourselves?!

GG: oh, i didn't realize i was interrupting anything

GG: it looked like you were making friends with some of your consorts, and i wanted to congratulate you!

AG: Pff! Please.

AG: I wasn't doing something as 8eneath me as fr8ernizing with the locals. I was reminiscing!

AG: It seemed like too perfect of an opportunity to pay homage to my favorite actor to pass up.

AG: Plus, I haven't 8een a8le to flex my roleplay muscles in a long time, and I refuse to let myself 8e out of practice.

GG: ooh, roleplay?

GG: you know, i know a thing or two about making an avatar for yourself (:B

AG: What, do aliens have LARP on their home planet?

GG: well, we have something called FLARP, but that wasn't really what i was talking about

GG: tell me, vriska... have you ever had a

GG: lusalike? (:B

AG: Fantastic! More 8lien words.

AG: What the fuck is a lusalike?

GG: like "lusus" and "lookalike"!

GG: it's a character that's halfway between a lusus and a troll, which represents you!

GG: well, for you, i guess it would be a lusus and a *human*, hehe

AG: Oh my god.

AG: Are you asking me if I have a f8cking fursona?

AG: HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

AG: WOW, okay, that is PR8CELESS.

GG: /: 

GG: what's the matter with having a lusalike?

AG: Uh, it's fucking lame?

GG: it's so NOT lame!

GG: it lets you connect with some of the more gentle monsters on alternia

GG: sometimes, imagining having soft fur instead of tough chitin is a nice change of pace!

GG: being their equal instead of something to prey on, exploring the alternian wilderness...

AG: ********Rolls eyes.********

GG: my lusalike is based on my actual lusus

GG: and it's nice to have something to let you feel so close to the ones you love!

GG: especially after

GG: losing them. ):B

AG: Oh, grow up!

AG: If the things you left 8ehind 8other you so much, it's a miracle you all got through your session of S8UR8.

AG: Lemme know if you wanna talk a8out the matters at fucking hand.

AG: Or if you wanna at least RP about something you find anywhere but the recesses of Earth's Internet.


	6. [S] Flip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Referenced page: https://www.homestuck.com/story/3760

TG: hey john

EB: oh for the love of.

EB: dave, please don't try to stop me.

EB: i am sick and tired of sitting on this meteor doing nothing!

EB: it is dark and boring and dirty and i hate it!!!

EB: all we can do is talk to a bunch of humans and wait to die.

EB: and MY human has made me think it's finally time to do something about it!!!!!!!!

EB: jack deserves an old fashioned beatdown, and it's a heck of a lot better than waiting around!

TG: why would i ever try to stop you

TG: after you went to all the trouble to deck yourself out like as much of a tool as possible to go get yourself killed

TG: you look like something out of one of the humans' corpse parties

TG: all fuckin gussied up to get used like some kind of morbid pinata

TG: jack's gonna scuttle in sideways dragging you in his one big fucked up pincer and we're all gonna dance like its the end of the goddamn world

TG: youre like a disco ball but the only color coming off of you is blue

TG: well its two blues

TG: one from your dumb fuckin god tier jammies and one from the copious amounts of blood

TG: which brings me back to my point that no im not gonna stop you since you clearly put so much effort into getting ready for this

TG: if you wanna get turned into a john smoothie stuffed into a tube sock far be it from me to stop you

EB: god you really do just keep talking don't you.

EB: can you please stop finding the longest winded ways possible to call me a dumbass?

EB: it makes you sound like such a fucking douche bag.

TG: oh well then i apologize

TG: why should you be called a dumbass when all you want to do is fight a nuclear crab

TG: who cares if it gets us all killed am i right

EB: why are you so sure i can't beat jack?

TG: because he's stronger than anything weve literally ever seen you ginormous moron

TG: did your thinkpan get replaced with wind when you ascended or is this your usual brand of egbert obliviousness

TG: also i can literally go forward in time and confirm that we all get murdered right after you leave because you left a trail of wispy blue air

TG: which is somehow more airish than normal air

TG: thats somehow related to being a hero of breath i guess but whatever

EB: if you can go forward in time, why can't you just tell me what i do wrong so i can beat him?

TG: because what you do wrong is trying to beat him in the first place, numbbulge

TG: and because i dont want to spend all fucking afternoon wasting my time jitsu making eight thousand more dead timelines and corresponding dead copies of ourselves doing that kind of trial and error

EB: well, i don't believe you.

EB: it's not like you're a seer, or even a sylph!

TG: okay grubberfucker you want proof

TG: you get exactly one dead timeline

TG: so go ahead and go fight jack

TG: and in the instant before i get snipped, im going to come back to this very moment and tell you what happened

TG: and then youll have to deal with two daves forever

TG: one of which will call you a moron until you die of natural, non-jack causes

TG: because you just left the second dave without a home timeline to go back to

EB: no!!! you are NOT going to do the whole talking to yourself from the future thing like jade did!!!

EB: it's already too freaking cramped and crowded in here!!

EB: i'm going and that's final!!

FTG: sup

CTG: hey

EB: ARGGGHH!!!!

FTG: so guess whos a total fucking dipshit


End file.
